While this is the full audio of the chapter, it isn’t the full text, as it’s too long to fit here. You can read the full text of the episode, if you’d like, by clicking here.
Folks, the air in Washington, DC reeks of sulphur tonight, as the evil, demonic forces targeting our democracy are celebrating their hideous victory. They’re roaming the nation’s capitol tonight with their tiny, pus-covered cocks in hand, spewing their poisonous, sulphuric jizz everywhere as they pleasure themselves over and over again, their relentless shrieks of pleasure assaulting the ears of every patriot unlucky enough to be within earshot. And that’s not a metaphor, by the way, THEY EJACULATE SULPHUR INTO THE MOUTHS OF THE SO-CALLED DEMOCRATIC ELECTED OFFICIALS IN ORDER TO CONTROL THEIR BRAINS!
And as excited as they are about their victory, I am even more sad, more heartbroken, more terrified about what comes next, because our entirely legitimate President Donald Trump, is dead.
Did you know you can get an erection from being TOO TERRIFIED?
I didn’t either, until tonight. But let me stand and show you.
Look!
I’m literally scared stiff, here, people. I can’t overstate how serious and apocalyptic this is.
Also, just for CLARITY, if my jeans weren’t so tight my erection would be much more obvious, and would look bigger.
YOU GOT TO HELL, DEEP STATE!
President Trump was found in the main hall at Mar-A-Lago, his beautiful golf course and home, in the most embarrassing position you can possibly imagine: laying face down, half-naked on the floor in the exact centre of the room, for everyone to see. And now the media, they want to strip him of his remaining dignity, by plastering the pictures of his putrefying corpse everywhere, online, and on TV, and on billboards on the side of the road! Those jackals want to burn this image into your eyes, they want to beam it into YOUR BRAIN, WHILE YOU SLEEP, so you never forget what happens if you step out of line! It’s sickening!
Jackals!
YOU WON’T GET ME! I’ll stop you! I WON’T LET YOU WIN!
They take this picture of him, which you can see here, which leaves literally nothing to the imagination, with our beloved President — the great American, THE American, possibly the physical incarnation of the concept of America itself, gifted to us by GOD HIMSELF — lying face down on a rug, his pants around his ankles, streaks of blood and feces and who knows what else trailing behind him as far as the eye can see.
Just take a minute right now to look at this picture, to see what the demonic forces from the centre of HELL want you to look at! Can you believe it? And can you imagine disrespecting someone like that, by posting a picture of their corpse on TV and on the internet and everywhere else, making you stare at it!
JUST LOOK!
Just LOOK AT WHAT THEY’RE DOING!
It sickens me, and it should sicken you! It’s unacceptable. UNACCEPTABLE! Makes me want to throw up, folks. They don’t even blur out any part of the picture, either, you can just see it all! I mean, just look at this: look at the detail on his cheeks, they didn’t hide anything! You could count every cellulite bump, every pimple and scar if you wanted!
Unbelievable. UNBELIEVABLE!
WE would never do this to them, even though they’re a horror show from our nightmares. WE would at least have the DECENCY to respect their dead. You know I certainly would, I have an established track record of being respectful to my enemies, no matter their filth. WE would at least blur out their devil horns, their hooves and their disgusting tails that look like limp, dirty phalluses, no matter how much we might want to show them, because we’re decent people. We’re the heroes of this story!
All Donald Trump ever tried to do was help people, to bring in peace and prosperity, to usher in paradise for us all, and to burn the unbelievers in a cleansing fire — because they’re not real people, they’re not humans, okay? They’re not like you and me, they’re lizard men from the centre of the Earth at best, gollums from Satan’s burning nipples at worst! — and this is how the Deep State repays him?
Would they have treated Gandhi like this? Would they have done this to Martin Luther King, or a musical icon like John Lennon? I think we all know the answer to that.
NO.
DISGUSTING.
Now, sure, the lame-stream media is reporting that they don’t know what happened yet, and that a massive investigation is underway, with every corrupt Deep State organization descending upon Florida to determine the cause of death, but anyone who doesn’t realize this was a HIT by underground reptiles working with corrupt undead Democrats whose souls have been trapped inside remote control dildos is just a lizard sheep with their eyes closed.
WAKE UP, LIZARD SHEEP. And prepare for war!
War is COMING, and Trump’s killers, the political machine who stole the Presidency, will RUE THE DAY they had a standing President murdered. This is history, folks. Everything about this is BRAND NEW, we have no idea what’s going to happen next.
But don’t let yourself be murdered by a Democrat mob of any kind: use my latest nootropic supplement, Brain Force Omega, and you’ll always stay one step ahead of the Deep State operatives who want to hunt you down and skin you, and hang your MAGNIFICENT ERECT COCK up on their wall like a trophy!
And you know what else, folks? I hate to say it, but maybe if Trump, as great as he was, had taken his Brain Force Omega — now with a triple dose of our proprietary nutritional blend “Forcium Blue” — he might still be alive. MAYBE WE COULD HAVE SAVED HIM.
That’s a guilt I’m going to have to carry for the rest of my life, I think, but you shouldn’t be weighed down by guilt: buy your Brain Force Omega today. We’re having a 5% off sale if you buy 3 months’ worth for $199/month. It’s a great deal, folks. It’s a life-saving deal.
Next: Paul Joseph Watson is going to count the number of pimples on our beloved President Trump’s incredible ass so the woke mafia CAN’T. We’re going to stop them, folks: keep watching.
So obviously this is an Earth-shaking development: this is the first time that an American presidential candidate has died during an election. It’s never happened before. We’re in uncharted territory here, because while there are federal guidelines that were set up in 1933 to help deal with the death of a presidential candidate, those were broadly intended for a candidate who was elected president, but subsequently dies before their inauguration.
This is a different situation.
One vice presidential candidate has died during an election, but — no disrespect to vice presidents, who hold the very important role in our system of just sitting around, you know, kissing flags and saluting babies, waiting for a tie to break out in the Senate — a vice presidential death pales in the face of a dead presidential candidate.
So what are we talking about, here?
Well, for one, Trump died before election day, so he wasn’t officially elected. I’m sure he would have won if he’d lived long enough, and if we were in a country like North Korea his death wouldn’t be an impediment to being elected, but now we’re looking forward to four more years of someone who only looks dead sitting in the Oval Office. But he already officially secured the nomination from the Republican Party, so we’ve got to scramble to find a replacement. Do we go with his vice presidential pick and promote them? That’s one idea, but Trump hadn’t decided on who that would be, so I’m guessing that would be like a bunch of greedy kids fighting over their parents estate after they died without a will.
So, likely what will happen is that we’re looking at an incredibly abbreviated new primary season for the GOP. Again, ground-breaking, virgin territory, because even once Nikki Haley or Vivek Rhymes With Cake or whoever re-announces their candidacy and wins the nomination, they’ll be absolutely screwed regarding the ballots, because they won’t be on them. And here I’m talking about the actual physical ballots: electronic systems are one thing, but we’ve got a pretty messed up system, and some states, if you believe it, still think paper ballots are a good idea. That’s stupid, but that’s currently the law. And there are rules about when those have to be printed by. The new candidate will file legal appeals because of this historic set of circumstances, but who knows if we’ll be lucky enough to get a good judge, one who believes in fairness, okay, or if we’ll get some left-wing looney who wants to stick it to the GOP and ensure sleepy Joe’s second term.
So, this is going to be a disaster.
But perhaps even more important than what happens to the presidential race is: what happened to Donald Trump? How did he die? The investigation is underway now, and it’ll be a top priority for basically, uhh, everyone, but if they’re going to do it right — and they must, they really cannot afford to rush through this in any conceivable way — it’ll take months to find out what happened. Best case is that we’re looking at six weeks before they’re willing to even announce the results of the autopsy to find out if it was from natural causes.
But come on.
Come on.
It is inconceivable that Trump just woke up one morning and decided to drop dead, okay? It is painfully obvious to me — and to all right-thinking people — that he was murdered. It’s just got to be a fact, okay? Someone or some group of people took it upon themselves to murder the front-runner to the American Presidency. I think this will go down as only the fifth assassination of a president in America’s history, because even if he wasn’t actively the President at the time of his death, he was killed — obviously, transparently — because of his Presidency, both in terms of how idiots viewed his first term and how they feared his second term, and the “President” honorific doesn’t go away when you leave the office. He is always and forever President Donald J. Trump. These are just facts.
When I said a minute ago that the investigation has to be done perfectly? One reason why that’s the case is if they don’t have all their ducks in a row, it’s entirely possible that we could end up with a murderer in the Oval Office. Just let that sink in, okay? Let’s say, if Joe Biden killed Trump and that doesn’t come out until after election day, Sleepy Joe could squash any investigations into him and his heinous wrong-doing and we’ll never know.
He could even pardon himself for any charges that might get laid over the next few months!
We’ve never had to seriously consider anything like that happening before, in the history of this country.
But what if you’re some freedom-hating woke-scold who thinks that Trump just died of natural causes? Let’s say that’s possible, okay? Then, what? Which natural causes? Be specific. Let’s say he had a heart attack. Let’s just say that. If so, why was his body found in such a humiliating state, with his pants around his ankles, in the middle of the lobby at Mar-a-Lago? Or let’s say he had an aneurism: same question, okay? It can’t be any long-term illness, because he was an extraordinarily healthy individual, as you could tell just by looking at him and his sweet, sweet pecs, but also because he got regular health check-ups for years — for the four years he was president he had a doctor following him around, constantly examining him — and we’d have heard if he had some sort of fatal illness. We would have been warned. So that leaves us with sudden, acute events and I can tell you — my wife is a doctor, so I’m an expert — there aren’t that many sudden, acute events a person can die from that count as natural causes, okay?
So, yeah, it was murder: he didn’t just fall off his golden toilet trying to reach a bucket of KFC and smacked his head, then became confused and crawled out of his bathroom on his hands and knees holding onto a bucket of greasy chicken with his teeth while blood streamed down from his forehead, with his unwiped ass stuck up in the air like a monkey in estrus, until he finally ran out of blood and collapsed on an expensive rug by the priority check-in line, okay? Don’t be ridiculous.
This was a murder. An American president was murdered, likely by the current president, and I will stake my entire professional reputation on that position. No, not a position: that fact.
So… while the American Government is facing what you could call an uncertain staffing situation, don’t let your business get caught with its pants around its ankles: use this week’s sponsor, ZipRecruiter. They’re the #1 job site in the USA.
WARNING: This is only about 50% of the first chapter! To read the rest of it — featuring Elon Musk and Mitch McConnell — click the link below!
(The rest of the chapter is still free to read, it just won’t fit in an email)
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Chapter 1 - Prologue